Friday, December 15, 2006


I came... I saw... I conquered Boston. It was, as I had envisioned, a spectacular time. I got in late last night and was only able to proof a few photos, but the one above is one of my favorites from the aquarium that I went to on the last day. Believe you me, there will be a photo extravaganza when I get through the rest of them. It will be as much fun as sitting through a presentation of someone's vacation slides can possibly be. (No, you can't leave yet! There's more!!)
So, I wanted to let all y'all know I was back and I had a great time. I highly recommend taking a few days off every now and then and go explore unfamiliar cities, armed only with Frommer's maps and a good pair of sneakers. And a camera, of course. But in spite of all my good tidings and cheer brought back from the East Coast, I have come back unsettled.
A couple nights ago Mike and I sat at John Brewer's Tavern ("Brewah's" to all you Boston locals out there. Oh! Did I forget to mention that Mike was in Boston for work and that was why I had the opportunity to go out there at all?) and had a late night dinner of sandwiches and beer. Our usual conversation and banter turned serious and we started talking about 'us'. I made a joke about 'sowing wild oats' and instead of coming back with a witty retort, he said that from time to time, he regretted missing out on the chance to do that between his divorce and starting his relationship with me.
This new train of thought brought up a whole host of issues. That things have been different lately.. more separate. That despite all of our similarities, we may have some fundamental issues that we may not be able to overcome. I know I've reflected on thoughts of my own place, my independence, and returning to a time when I was happiest with myself and my place in the world. But I had no idea he was so... unsure about things. We've talked about buying a house together and where we would like to move. We've talked about futures. We've bought two cars and a dog together. We've shared a home for nearly two years. And all of the sudden, he's telling me he's unsure? I asked him how long he would expect me to wait for time to assuage his fears. Five years? Ten? He said it wouldn't be fair to either of us to post-pone our lives for that long.
I thought it might be the beer talking that night, so I didn't bring it up again until this morning, when on our way to work, he asked me what I was thinking. I told him I had been reflecting on our conversation the other night and felt like the rug had kind of been pulled out from under me.
"You've never had any doubts about us - about this?" he asks.
And of course I have, but I had never been faced with the reality of it all. Nor did I know he was feeling similarly. "It's not that I haven't, it's just that I didn't know YOU were feeling that way."
I told him that I no longer felt comfortable or safe in 'us.' That with this conversation, we had lost something that defined that haven of our relationship. That I can't talk about the future or entertain thoughts of house-buying, or pretend we're still a family without thinking of this rift we've created.
It's not like we've talked about breaking up or me moving out or making any drastic decisions as of yet. But I also can't make-believe everything is A-okay. I'm not the type of person who longs to be in a long-term relationship without some type of "future." It's not for everyone, but I've found that I want the kids and the commitment and the weathered house and everything that goes along with that. I've wanted it for a long time and it's taken this to realize I refuse to compromise that part of myself. I love this person and I have a deep affection for him - something I haven't felt in a long, long time. But I can't keep my life in a holding pattern because, after nearly three years, he's unsure of his future with me.
So what do I do? Do I start looking for apartments? Do I wait for him? Do I make that long-awaited break for it and move to P-Town?
Something is breaking...

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